Pet Loss Support


The grieving over the death of our pets is a very natural response.  Our feelings toward pets are so special that some experts call it:  "the human-companion animal bond".

When this bond is severed, the sense of loss can be overwhelming.  Society does not offer a grieving pet owner a great deal of sympathy.  Even a close friend may comment: .. "It's only a dog..."  or "she was a pretty cat".  What are you going to get now?"  Such a reaction would be heartless given the loss of a human friend or family member, and it is generally recognized that a person who has experienced such a loss needs the support of friends and relatives.
Psychologists now acknowledge that we need as much support - but get far less - with the loss of a companion animal.  Veterinarians realize that their final obligation to their pet patients also involves dealing with the pet owners' grief.
This does not mean that veterinarians are trained as psychologists and psychiatrists.  It does mean that the veterinary doctor, who knows you and your pet, also understands your natural feeling of loss and is able to offer support.  (If your veterinarian seems distant, bear in mind that the death of a pet is stressful even to professionals. Detachment is one way of coping).

The First Stage: Denial

Denial is the initial response of many pet owners when confronted with a pet's terminal condition or sudden death.  This rejection seems to be the mind's buffer against a sharp emotional blow.


The Second Stage: Bargaining

This stage is well documented in the human grieving process.  Many times, faced with impending death, an individual may "bargain" - offering some condition if the loved one is spared.  The hope that a pet might recover can foster reactions like, "If Butch recovers, I'll never skip his regular walk. . . never put him in a kennel when I go on vacation, . . . never. . . "


The Third Stage: Anger

Recognizing anger in the grief process is seldom a problem; dealing with anger however, often is. Anger can be obvious, as in hostility or aggression.  On the other hand, anger often turns inward, emerging as guilt.  Many veterinarians have heard the classic anger response, "What happened?  I thought you had everything under control and now you've killed my dog!"  Another standard:  "You never really cared about Rover.  He was just another fee to you, and I'm the one who has lost my pet!"

Such outbursts help relieve immediate, frustrations, though often at the expense of someone else. More commonly, pet owners dwell on the past.  The number of  "If only . . ." regrets are endless:  "If only I hadn't left the dog at my sister's house . . . "If only I had taken Fluffy to the veterinarian a week ago . . ." Whether true or false, such recriminations and fears do little to relieve anger and are not constructive.  Here, your veterinarian's support is particularly helpful.


The Fourth Stage: Grief

This is the stage of true sadness.  The pet is gone, along with the guilt and anger, and only an emptiness remains.  It is now that the support of family and friends is most important  and sadly, the most difficult to find.  A lack of support prolongs the grief stage.  Therefore, the pet owner may want to seek some help from their veterinarian, pet cemeterian, or from a professional counselor. 

It is normal, and should be acceptable, to display grief when a companion animal dies.  It is helpful, too, to recognize that other pet owners have experienced similar strong feelings, and that you are NOT ALONE in this feeling of grief.  Don't ever feel embarrassed or ashamed.  Your pain is very real and your loss a heavy one.

The Final Stage: Resolution

All things come to an end - even grieving.  As time passes, the sadness evolves into memories of joyful times.  And, more often than not, part of the remedy  lies in a new pet, a new companion animal to fill the need for a pet in the household.  Keep in mind, you're not replacing your beloved friend. Nothing can ever do that.  You're filling a very deep void in your heart with new love for a new companion.  "It's time to complete the healing!"

Coping With The Death of Your Pet:      
                                            
People love their pets and consider them members of their family: Caregivers celebrate their pets' birthdays, confide in their animals, and carry pictures of them in their wallets.  So when your beloved pet dies, it's not unusual to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your sorrow.  But understanding how you grieve and finding ways to cope with your loss can bring you closer to the day when memories bring smiles instead of tears.

What is the grief process?    
                                                                           
The grief process is as individual as the person, lasting days for one person or years for another.  The process typically begins with denial, which offers protection until individuals can realize their loss. Some caregivers may try bargaining with a higher power, themselves, or even their pet to restore life. Some feel anger, which may be directed at anyone involved with the pet, including family, friends, and veterinarians.  The caregivers may also feel guilt about what they did or did not do, and may feel that it is inappropriate to be so upset.  After these feelings subside, the caregivers experience true sadness or grief.  In their depression, caregivers may withdraw.  Acceptance occurs when they accept the reality of their loss and remember their animal companion with decreasing sadness. Remember, not everyone follows these classic stages of grief—some may skip or repeat a stage, or experience the stages in a different order.

How can I cope with my grief?  

While grief is a personal experience, a caregiver need not face this loss alone.  Many forms of support are available, including pet bereavement counseling services, pet-loss support hotlines, local or on-line Internet bereavement groups, books, videos, and magazine articles.  Here are a few suggestions to help you cope:

• Acknowledge your grief and give yourself permission to express it.
• Don't hesitate to reach out to others who can lend a sympathetic ear.
• Write about your feelings, either in a journal or a poem.
• Call your local humane society, SPCA or your Veterinarian to see whether they offer a pet-loss support group or can refer you to one.
• Explore the Internet for pet-loss support groups and coping information.
• Prepare a memorial for your pet